The Ugly Duckling

okay i feel incredibly awful!

yesterday i was over at dooda’s house smoking sheesha, it was just the two of us so we had the chance to talk, and i mean really talk and not just make conversation. we talked about a lot of things, like how she should cut her husband some slack and stop being so trigger-happy when it comes to getting upset over stupid things that he does, about how even though i secretly wish for dads death i love him more than anyone and i will die inside when he does etc etc etc

we then dwindled to the topic of self-loathing…

she hates herself and so do i…

i wont talk about how she hates herself because it is something she entrusted me in and i will not say what it is, especially since some secret readers know who she is

but i told her that i hate the way i look, even though i hear umteeen times that i am hot, and sexy and beautiful and pretty and cute, i just dont believe it, deep down i feel like i look like shit, i dont feel attractive, sexy or pretty, im told it but i dnt believe it, and thats why when i do get compliments i either try to change the subject, look away and wish i would just die or simply get defensive

i feel ugly, there i said it!

i do! and when people say anything contradicting to that i get hurt, because theyre lying to me and taking me for a fool…

i know its messed up but thats not what the post is really about, i have made my peace with this feeling, im ugly and thats fine, people may think otherwise but theyre blind

but dooda!! her reaction was devestating! she first went silent, then tried to reason with me but i couldnt understand what she was saying , i mean i get what she was trying to do i just didnt know what to make of it. she then got angry and screamed at me,then she vowed to make me snap out of this and make sure that i stop thinking this way and she said that we are going to argue and scream at eachother alot because of it

thats when i decided to go home. when i left she was very silent and that bitch is never silent. she stood by the door as i left with tear filled eyes and i wanted to apologize , take back what i said and poke her eyes out that were filled with pitty

i sent her a message apologizing for my insecurities because i know they caused her pain and she replied with that shes crying…

and thats all i’ve heard from her since  then

i feel like shit! thats why i never say anything to anyone! its my demons but look at wat it did to her!!

i love u all, dooda more than others

STOP TOUCHING MEEEE!!

okay i am not a person who is afraid of germs and stuff , i mean i am clean and i make sure that things around me are etc etc but i am not always mentally fretting over the germs and bacteria thats festering over all surfaces and things i cannot control, like money, or the elevator buttons, or the shoes that you are trying out before buying them, i really feel that if i were to obsess over every single one of those instances i will opt to walk around in a bubble

BUT

the one thing that i ALWAYS ALWAYSSSS OBSESS ABOUT IS…

PEOPLE!

why do people INSIST on touching your hands when they hand you your change after paying for something?!!! or when they hand you your order, or your bags or god knows what!!

i always cringe! and think my god STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!!!! or where the fuck has that hand been!! i dont know why! but it really pisses me off!!

im fine with touching surfaces and solid things but germy people i cant stand! and they may not look or smell germy but i still feel icky afterwards, used and abused and i thank god for the temporary miracle solution of…

and it sucks cuz its rude to ask them to  make sure not to touch you or make an effort to avoid their grubby fingers and im not rude not by a long shot tara, i am rather polite and maybe a bit prissy but SHUT UP

i love you all, purell hand sanitizer more than all of you

WHAT THE F*** IS UP WITH YOU?

okay in alot of ways i tend to be very naive or idealistic or i dont know what the word is.

im so terribly troubled today and i cant shake off that icky nasty feeling

al7een you love someone, you decided or rather realised that this is the person that you love and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life with, it doesnt matter if you are married or not, il mohim you decided ino flan is the person im in love with, im committed to etc , how could you be so adamnt at not making things work for you guys

why would you see the solution to the problem right in front of your eyes but decide to brush it off and look at the other side?

why would you delibretly misinterprut every gesture made by this person, when you and all those around you are telling you that the way you are thinking is totally wrong, and you are purposely mis-reading everything thats being said and done

im sad, i really am, i feel so very dissapointed

god gave you the ability to think , interpret, decipher and comprehend for a reason!

i am a very stubborn person, i have the worst temper around, im impatient, im pessimitic but when it comes to the person i love i try so hard to curb my negative characteristics, to be mindful of how they effect him

this is not being your own second priority or screwing yourself over, to me thats the decent responsible thing to do

when i decided that you are THE ONE then i will bend over backwards to make sure that we stay “happy”

p.s. to the boobs going shfeeha hathi itgi6 5ai6 oo 5ai6 tawha she was talking about WXYZ etc etc well i would like to explain that dating, knowing people, hooking up etc are in no way THE ONEs , they are just you know the boobs along the way to finally finding THE ONE

i know who my THE ONE is, its 7amany, he is it, and he is the only guy whose everything i put before mine, ama the rest, i know i wasnt the unselfish loving princess to you, i know i was the number one priority to me but thats because you werent IT and i dont apologize for it

i love u all, entay more than others oo allah yahdeech

p.s.s or p.p.s I HATE WOMEN

Who runs the finances in a marriage?

okay then…

what the fuck was that?

it was a very weird drive to work today!

i didnt know if i was asleep and dreaming,or the contacts were fogging up or the sunglasses, or i dont know!

WAT THE FUCK!!!

so on to the post…

in a marriage, who runs the finances? the guy or the gal?

and if both of them work and earn a good salary, who has the say over what the money is spent on? is it “our” money? or “my” money?

i think its clear cut when its a one income couple, the one earning the money runs the finances unless he delegates it to his/her spouse

but when both earn an income, who is responsible for the rent, groceries, housekeeper, bits and pieces around the house?

i believe that it depends on what you agree upon when u first get married, or the pattern you establish, if its his and hers then fine, if its an us situation then fine, if its a him only thing then okay! but i really dnt think that once you’ve established that pattern that you can simply change it!

i used to believe rather adamantly that the man covers the expenses and the woman does nothing

but life has changed that, i now prefer that the couple list out their expenses CANDIDLY and then divide the responsibility, therefore avoid confusion, and have a plan, a strategy to tackle the household expenses and theyd both be in agreement so neither one of them can bitch about it

i dnt know? im not married and im not in that situation so i really cannot say that my opinion is concrete…

what do you guys think?

i love u all some more than others

Picky eaters!

okay so while i was wilting away at work, i asked dooda “hal nasta6ee3 an nathlif ila tche tche likay inshayish?”

she replied saying “na3am nasta6ee3 walakin limatha la nanthabir fe baiti oo inshayish?”

her sheesha is better and at her place you can sheesha in all kinds of sitting/laying down positions, so i said sure!

then she said “eshrayich we cook il sem il hary for beeves and butthead together?”

off course that warrented the question of what do u wanna cook?

after messing about, giggling, cursing and many hand gestures we agreed on me making the dinner and she being my sous chef and we made

*DRUMROLL BITCHES*

we made grilled veal and mashed potatoes and corn…

beeves didnt make it but butthead was there and he loved it, which was yaaaaaaay since dooda and i were freaking out because he doesnt eat butter, milk or spread cheese which are three ingrediants that were insanely popular in my recipe hehe and we snuck them in and boob didnt even know it!

oh and he has this weird thing where if he sees the pre-work of the food, you know like when u marinate it and watever, he wont eat…

we had to throw him out the kitchen and lock the door

dooda: butthead do u like the mashed potatoes?

butthead: yeah *munching* theyre really good

dooda: but dont u think they need butter or cheese, they’d be yummier *sneaky look*

butthead:no no theyre great this way!

princess: if we add cheese and butter it’ll be creamier

butthead: no no… no cheese no butter its perfect this way

*slutty girl giggles*

*smiles ignorantly and munches*

so it brings me to this point…

what makes us such picky eaters?

for example i dont eat any fish but salmon, but i eat shrimps, lobsters and crab, i dont eat any meat that tastes meaty, it has to taste chickeny, i only eat chicken breasts and not any other part, oh and back to the chickeny meat i’d only eat beef, NO WAY WOULD I EAT LAMB, i eat turkey but wont eat duck, or pigeon or rabit etc etc

i’d eat tomatoes if theyre cooked but wouldnt eat them raw, no cucumber, and no kiwi or pomegranete or bananas or oranges or berries or grapes

i dnt know i dnt know

what determines wat we eat ? other than taste buds! i just feel there must be some hidden driver behind this

i love u all some more than others

munchkins and more…

so..

the munchkins (thats their new PG 13 name) threw me a party on thursday cuz im almost an official employee 7abaybeeeeeeeeeee shit i cannot react to people being nice to me that way! its just weird! i was really touched and i just wanted to hide under the table till the festivities are over! hehe

ya3ni it was so sweeeeeeeeeeeet and the stuff they got me are all in my office now making it pretty ,i hugged dooda and then hugged drunka, then dooda was all wat abt beeves and butthead? but she whispered it, so i said yeah i’ll hug them too, but then BUTTHEAD just screams out WHAT ABT BEEVES AND I DONT WE GET A HUG? i was like yeah u doo buttwipe i just said i will, and i was like yalla come get ur hug but he was all wintay ga3da? no way get up and hug me so i did, and i hugged beeves and i love them all, my crazy ass friends

so thanks beeves, butthead, dooda, and drunka :*

you know what? the thursday thing is our version of the family zwara only its the 5 of us, and its great, and its become a tradition, a habit, a must do.. to the extent where anything that may mess up that day is seen as THE DEVIL! ya3ni dooda was just telling me that beeves and buttheads mom told them she wanted to invite the three of them and the rest of the family out on thursday and dooda says that she was thinking of a way to get out of it in a subtle manner whereas the other two munchkins just froze up, went bug-eyed and started stammering out excuses not to show up hehehe cutenesssssssssssssssssss

i mean i knew dooda and i loved the thursday thing, but i didnt know that it meant alot to the other munchkins too!

oh! yesterday my “embrace ur niggerness” brother said some awful ugly things to me about me and as far as im concerned! he and i arent speaking for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time! until he gets it thru his afro hair head that i will not be spoken to this way

wat else? my car didnt start today apparently our driver ba3ad 3omry 3ain il say7 or watever left something open when he was cleaning it!

wat else?

i ruined noona’s and dooda’s days ams because i was in just such a funk that i know i fed that vibe to them, dooda is still in that funk, dnt know abt noona, madre i love them and im sorry u sluts :*

i worked really hard today! i actually did! all last week i was in a work funk but not today!

i loved this cartoon…cant stop giggling from it…

dumbass…

i love u all, the munchkins more than others…

Daddy’s Girl *grin*

ok hehe bagoolikum shay! tadroon rabi may6ig ib 3a9a

al7een bintik il mazyoona shawwagah allah iy5aleeha lik inshala wafiqat ina ta5ith ijazat-ha oo tijeek il cheeeek oo it7il mokanik as morafiq il mama oo inta itrid 3ashan nafseetik il mit2azma matihlak akthar

bass ya3ni tara bintik ya3ni ti7taj tanseeq min 3indiK! inta 7abeebi rayi7 ib coverage il sharika bas bintik ili inta qarart ihya ib titkafal ib mo9areef safrat-ha blah blah blah blah blah blah blah ili a9lan bass il ticket gad mo3ash-ha bil thab6 kitha mahi ga3da 3ala kanz! ya3ni inta as her dad u gotta do it!

tabeeni ajee! tfathal…cough up the monies :*

i love u daddy

madre laish im ga3da atlathath ib hal shay! bass ya3ni ihwa lazim iy7is ino bass 3ad! mo kilshay tijeeh barda imbarida! i hate that he just decided that now im earning a descent amount of money i should be responsible for the house finances and its his time to live it up god knows where! i mean i will help! i would give 3yooni 7aga bass ya3ni mo bil 6areeqa ili ho yib’3aha!

u know i really love my dad! walla i do but just like all the other menz in my life he needs to be re-schooled!

u know i guess im just an emo version of a daddys girl walla, i love him but i hate him and our relationship is just so fucked up! ya3ni hayen 3alay asda7a bil arth arkab sayarti oo ad3ama then come back wipe up his blood and cry over his tragic death!

thats how i feel towards him :S

but i love him soooooo damn much! and i actually miss him! mo 9ij! but then i dread his calls and his sms’ and just want to run away when i see him

uff esh-hal 7alaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i love u all, daddy more than all the others *stabs him*

Im lusting after a coma!

okay i need to sleep! seriously! caffeinne and all that shit is not working and is only messing up my system even more!! and im angry! im angry from the lack of sleep and fatigue!!

BASS BASS BASSSSSSSSSSSSSS

plans for today…

SLEEP !!

actually just go into a coma! mu 9ij! i can hardly sit up, my mind isnt functioning , i did absolutly nothng but sit there since 7!

omg omg omg omg omg walla babchy! kasra 5a6ir 3omry ana!!!

ufffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

I AM TIRED…

Epiphany # trillion

okay so an epiphany…

i do not tell people that they have upset me (i blog abt it here and tell friendity) but i still get upset and hurt, but keep it inside, and it builds up, every time they do something new it gets added to their account of bullshit dealt the princess, until it becomes too heavy and i just snap and become distant, and aloof and then just drift off and they’d never know why, they’ll attribute it to some stupid tiny insignificant incident that happened right before this break…

i know its unfair, makes having any sort of relationship with me (bond, friendship, collegues etc etc) very difficult and confusing

but i dont know how i can change that…

i usually just tell myself to get a grip and just not be upset but that doesnt ever work…

*sigh*

so i think i have some sort of virus in my stomach, everything that goes down my throat comes back up again, and i get dizzy, and sometimes dry heaving,and gagging and its just aint pretty…

my solution: just dnt have anything other than water and coffee go down ur throat! c’est tout! in7alat il moshkila

oo bye

i love u all some more than others

okay back to no titles…

okay randomn it is…

still not feeling well, stopped taking the meds because they make me drowsy and i was still coughing my heart out so i really didnt see the use of using them and being sleepy and coughing

i am having a real problem with sitting at home, i just cant and now that dads away, i simply cannot find one good reason to stay there, if im there im sleeping, or showering, or sleeping some more, thank god my brother is always there otherwise il bait biykoon hadad

speaking of brother, 7abeebi he is so different, the saudi caveman thing is totally gone, he is being such a sweet heart, he sits with us, talks to us, jokes around, makes fun of us, then leaves, he is even introducing his friends to us, and by us i do mean the girls and madre, yesterday we were planning on how he can go on this lame ass road trip for two weeks with his friends without dad knowing, or any of the other medling family members realising that one of us is missing hehe

what else? dooda is planning me a suprise thing, i dnt know wat it is but im really hoping it doesnt involve “friends” that arnt really “friends” anymore :S uffffffffffffffffffffffff but i love her

HANDCOCK wtf! wtf! wtf! WHAT? ya3ni mu 9ij! that movie and pms dnt go together! i was giggling and laughing and finding it cute until the hot bitch flung him out of the house lana then bida il DRAMA and it just got too much, towards the end dooda and i were giggling at the “sad” parts..stupid boob! reminded me of my drunkard uncle oh but i loved when he was flying oo il music was move bitch get out the way get out the way bitch get out the way hehe i love that song! oh nooooo lights out … bass bass

hmmmmmmm what else? what else?

chenna bass?

ee wait! okay ana im easily riled (dnt know if its a word) and i know its something i need to work on, i do need to relax but shino ya3ni u take the time to read my post, comment rather rudely on it, then come back to see wat my comment was, then comment again, then comment on another post telling me to change my habit, mane gayla wat i really want to say, nor am i deleting the comments, i have said before that once u open up the door to online posting or watever then u gotta testa7miloon everything even the bullshit, and the crap being said is bullshit :*

oo ya 7ilo ili im3a9beeeeeeeen min il 9ob7! i think the anger is funny but i wnt say shit 3ashan mataglib il salfa 3alay! hehe

okay i gtg seriously

bye bitches

i love u all some more than others

oo walla 7abaybi ili mo 3ajba layigra walla jad! ma7ad ‘3a9ibkum 9a7? wila la? fe? mino? wtf!